I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
