I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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