do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
