Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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