Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
