Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
