Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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