Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
