it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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