I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
