why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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