I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
