I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
