i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
