I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
