last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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