Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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