I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
