remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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