:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
