Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
