I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
