i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
