It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
