How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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