yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
