I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
