Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize