When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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