Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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