how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I will pee on everything he values.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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