it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
