Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
