my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
