just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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