Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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