yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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