dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
