If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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