I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm at about main and main street
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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