I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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