I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
