dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
