I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
not ubering you a puppy
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
