he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
