cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
