someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
