Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
