Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
