I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
