I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
