Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
