I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
we should paint friendship bongs
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
