May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
