Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
