I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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