oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Sext me about skeletons
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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