wat bout pragnant strippers??
my vag is so smooth its legendary
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
