We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
