in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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