The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
