He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize