She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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