his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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