no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
